Living It All 4 HIM!

Have you ever been in love? Have you ever loved someone so much that sometimes you forget to think about yourself because all you can think about is him? I know the feeling of being in love. It is amazing! He is on my mind everyday and just thinking about him brings joy into my life instantaneously. I don’t even have to try to think about him, as I breathe I think of him. It becomes natural. Everything I look at and every song I hear remind me of him. When everything else around me seems to be going wrong, thinking of him makes me feel so much better. The feeling is so intense that I can never forget how it feels. I constantly want him to know that I love him, I want to tell him that I love him and that I want him. I never mind driving hours just to see him, sometimes not even for long. I want to stay up late talking to him all night. Everything I do with him is romantic even if it brings pain later. Every time it hurts, I smile :) I don’t ever want to be far from him. It hurts like nothing I’ve felt before when I miss him. This is how it felt when I was in love. 

But tonight Jesus I feel the need to tell YOU how I truly feel about YOU at this moment in my life. Sometimes YOU aren’t the most important thing in the life that YOU gave me. However, I say so many times that I love YOU and that I am in a relationship with YOU. But Jesus I know that I can’t fool YOU. YOU are the one and only. I am so sorry for that. I am sorry for putting my education before YOU because YOU only give me this brain to use. I am sorry for chosen my family and friends over you so many time because I know that no one on earth is worth my salvation. I am sorry for cursing every now and then. I am sorry for judging others, I am sorry for lying. I am sorry for not giving enough, I am sorry for not being grateful and thankful. I am sorry for lacking conversation with YOU. I am so sorry Jesus…

I want to grow in love with YOU. I want to think that everything is possible when I think about YOUR unfailing love for me. I want to find myself wanting and waiting to talk to YOU and hear from YOU desperately. I want to long for YOU. I want to want to read YOUR words and I want to desire to worship YOU only. I want to enjoy YOU. I don’t want to do anything for YOU out of obligation, I don’t want it to feel like work. I want YOU to be my first thought when YOU allow me to open my eyes in the morning, I want to fall asleep every night as I think of YOU. I want to let YOU change me. I want YOU now Jesus!

I want YOU to help me grow in love with YOU. I want YOU to help me love others the same way I love YOU. Help me to want to tell others about YOU, to let everyone know about our relationship and how YOU love me, still. I need YOU Jesus, I want YOU. Help me focus only on YOU everyday of my lifetime. Everything is about YOU. I want YOU to change me. I want to find pleasure and true satisfaction in my relationship with YOU. Help me love YOU more than anything and anyone on this earth. When I think about YOUR love for me and YOUR kingdom help me to want to give up and sell everything in order to gain them because Jesus I know that the day that I stop loving and pursuing you, I will sin. I will do things and say things that do not reflect YOU. Don’t give me the opportunity to wonder…I need YOU, I want YOU, I want to grow in love with YOU :)

(Inspired after I read chapter 6 of Crazy Love for my Sunday school)

As I was reading the eighth chapter of Crazy Love by Francis Chan, it came to me that I am such a fool sometimes to think that I can handle everything by myself. I come from Haiti where, if you are a Christian, when you are sick with malaria, cholera, HIV, cancer, or typhoid you have no choice but to kneel and pray that God heals you. When you are hungry you would cry to God to give you strength to sleep through the night, and hopefully tomorrow you’d find something to eat. When you want a job, you would pray to God about it. When you needed money, you would just ask God to bring a good samaritan your way. When you are sad, you would call out to God to bring joy to your heart besides everything else that’s going on. 

Yet, coming here in the USA, when I am sick with a cold or a severe headache guess what I do? I google my symptoms (Ha!) and then I decide to go to the doctor. When I am hungry, I run downstairs, open my fridge, 8 out 10 I wouldn’t like what is in there, so I drive to the restaurant. When I need a job, I update my application and send hundreds of emails. When I need money, I call my parents or I ask for more hours at my job. When I am sad, I turn on my ‘happy’ music, or I’d go to the movies, or call a friend to cheer me up. When my grades aren’t looking good, I go to my teacher or advisor, or I just drop the class (can you relate?). When I am tired, I jump on my comfortable queen size bed, turn my fan on, put the music on and sleep. When there is really nothing I can do about it, then I decide to ask God to help me get through it. 

All that to say that I come to realize that I rely too much on myself and this world. I am thinking what do I need God for then if I can handle all my problems and can manage to find a solution for all of them on my own? I want this to change. I want to live by hope and by faith, only. I want to believe in miracles again, and I want to trust God fully with whatever is going on in my life. Trust that he has been taking care of me, and that he will always be there for me no matter how many stupid mistakes I make.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
 and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him,
 and he will make straight your paths.

—Proverbs 3:5-6